Here is my 2014 Christmas gift to you all:
Inspired by a true story
“‘Mistletoe Drone Operator’ at TGI Friday’s was the best job this “kind-of-a-loner, kept to himself” could get.”
SCENE: TGI Fridays, interior. BARRY, pimpled and bitter, is dressed in TGI Friday’s shirt and suspenders with lots of flair. His hair is lank and greasy, a sneer on his face. He holds the MISTLETOE DRONE controller and scans the restaurant. It’s filled with young couples in love, feeding each other french fries and sesame jack™ chicken strips.
BARRY (Voice-over): (Bitterly) Look at all you happy couples. Sitting there with your thai pork tacos, staring into each other’s eyes, longing to kiss. Here, I’ll make you kiss!
He controls the MISTLETOE DRONE toward a SEXY COUPLE. It stops, its mistletoe payload directly over the WOMAN’s head. The SEXY COUPLE looks up. WOMAN laughs, and MAN kisses her.
MISTLETOE DRONE dips closer, closer, while the SEXY COUPLE’s kiss becomes more passionate.
Ominous music swells.
MANAGER: Hey, Barry, that drone’s a little close, don’t you think?
BARRY (falsely cheerful): Hey, yeah, oops! Guess they looked a little too happy!
The MISTLETOE DRONE rises, ominous music fades. The SEXY COUPLE’s kissing becomes more passionate.
MANAGER: Want me to take over for a while?
BARRY: Nah, I’m good.
MANAGER (Looking at SEXY COUPLE, who knock dishes off the table and climb on to continue making out and groping each other): Well, you’re doing a great job.
BARRY: Thanks, boss!
BARRY scans the room again. His eyes squint.
BARRY (Voice-over): Oh, you blissfully ignorant fools. All of you, believing love is anything but a bittersweet prelude to a lifetime of solitary misery.
His attention becomes focused on a YOUNG INNOCENT COUPLE making lovey-eyes at each other; it’s apparent they are on an early date, infatuated but shy.
BOY: Hey, they have that mistletoe drone thing. (exaggeratedly casual) That’s cool, I guess.
GIRL: Oh, I hope it doesn’t come here. It would be a *shame* if I had to kiss you. (She smiles and blushes.)
BARRY (Voice-over): Is that… Tiffany? Tiffany who once spurned my advances? I spent the night of Spring Fling alone because of you, Tiffany! Oh, and now, you flounce and rut with this unworthy cur?
BOY stabs a shrimp, puts it on GIRL’S plate
BARRY: (voice-over) Ah! You split with him a Jack Daniel’s Shrimp and Ribs that should by rights be mine? Oh, yes, kiss him, by all means … I’ll make you kiss. I’ll make you kiss… in hell!
BOY: Hey, that operator is looking at you funny. Do you know him, Kelly?
GIRL: Never seen him before.
MISTLETOE DRONE-view camera, closing in on the YOUNG INNOCENT COUPLE who smile and set down their cutlery as it approaches, and give each other a bashful glance.
BARRY (voice-over): Oh, sweet revenge best served cold, with Tennessee Whisky Cake for desert, on special this week!
The BOY moves close to the GIRL, puts an arm around her shoulder. She touches his hand as they wait for the MISTLETOE DRONE…
MISTLETOE DRONE-view camera as their smiles turn to confusion, then fear as the MISTLETOE DRONE buzzes ominously closer, closer.
BOY: It’s coming in kind of… fast…
GIRL: Hold me!
BARRY begins to chuckle, rising to laughter, rising to maniacal laughter.
Cut to SEXY COUPLE, now half-naked, making out on their table. BLOOD SPATTER hits them. They look up. WOMAN screams.
MANAGER: Oh, for Pete’s sake, Barry.
Fade to credits as BARRY’s laughter grows ever louder and the screams of patrons drown him out.
— END —